A peck = 8 quarts or 1 Dominican meal

One of our favorite past-times is to play "If This Was a Sitcom." We interrupt our conversation to explain what would happen if our life... were a sitcom. Ahh, you get it. It is really very simple. For example, if MH were to say, "Did you see? I fixed that shelf!" Then he would add, "ITWaS, the shelf would crash down behind you." Then I would say, "No, no. It would be like a Rube Goldberg machine and the shelf would slide down on one side and the dishes would land on the toaster oven but they wouldn't break. The toaster door would pop open and trigger a spoon that would act as a see-saw and fling a pea across the room. You would slip on the pea and crash into the shelf breaking all the dishes."

Or when I asked a woman if she had a boyfriend and she answered hesitantly and awkwardly, ITWaS, I would realize that this woman was dating my husband. Next thing you know, to make ends meet, my children and I would rent out the extra rooms in spacious brownstone to a couple of Marines who would act as father figures and comic relief in stark contrast to my chaotic life. My tween daughter would harbor a secret crush on one of the Marines, and if our series continued another five seasons, she would actually end up with the Marine she always considered to be like an older brother. We'll call him Hank.

As fun as ITWaS is, my mind sometimes gets sucked into its sad and strange sister-game... "If this was a Crime Drama." So when I noticed that our housekeeper rarely eats the dinner she prepares for us, my mind started writing scripts. It makes perfect sense. She makes simple but incredible meals... okay, mostly rice and beans (or beans with rice), but it tastes so good we gladly eat twice as much as our stomachs can hold.

It didn't take long for me to realize how she was going to slowly kill us. None of that pesky yet traceable cyanide. Hey, I've seen Dateline. Our housekeeper is going to slowly kill us by salification. After her first week with us... that's 5 meals, I noticed that she had used an entire container of salt. Keep in mind that we have a box of salt that a friend left at our house in 2001 or 2002 and we're nowhere near close to finishing it. I calculated that, over the course of two years, she would use 26 pounds of salt in our dinners. When I pointed out to Mary that I was onto her devious plan she rolled her eyes and said, "Americans don't use salt." What does that mean? But more importantly, how do I keep her from killing me yet encourage her to make more of that lovely eggplant (with rice and beans)?

"It is a true saying that a man must eat a peck of salt with his friend before he knows him."
- Don Quixote